Nobody Ever Tells You
Nobody ever tells you really how grief is. Not all the parts not the parts that have you waking up in the middle of the night from a dead sleep and crying because you have to remember all over again. Or when you are just trying to get dressed to go to work but you know you have to get this cry out now so you can face to world and lie thru your teeth. Everyone is going to ask, "How are you today?" and you can't say "I'm dying inside." You have been trained, conditioned to make everyone else feel better.
No one every told you about the moments that you would forget for a split second that you can't pick up the phone and tell the person that's gone about your day. Or did they? Maybe they did I just didn't listen. I guess it doesn't matter now because I'm in the trenches. Don't get me wrong at my big age I have had loss before. My children's father passed away. We were married had five kids but somehow my grandmother hits so different.
I use to be so proud to tell people I'm going to see me grandmother. She's 97, 98, 99. and they would tell me how much of a blessing it was and I would say I know. And I did I truly did. Now I know more. I feel more. I miss her more. I cry for her for me for us. This hurt this pain is visceral. It will be six weeks this week and somedays it seems like yesterday. I still here the phone call. I replay it over and over in my head. I am not okay but I know that I have to be. I have to get better somehow. So I turned to the laptop to the keys to give voice to what I can't seem to say out loud. Maybe writing it down will help me, maybe it won't but at least I tired.
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